Lately I have been thinking a lot about my father. Simple little things remind me of him all the time. Listening to this song in the car the other day. And today hearing the strains of big band music filtering in the resource room windows. I had an amazing father and still love him dearly. I wish he could be here to see what wonders my children and Evelyn's children have become. He has been gone almost ten years and so many things have happened that he would be proud of.
But I guess the real reason for me to think about him was the phone call that I received the other day. It was not about my father, but about Alex's. I have promised myself that I would never be negative about the father of either of my children and in this post I am going to honor and stay true to that. However, his best friend called me the other day to get my reaction to his coming back to the area.
Honestly, it is not something that I ever thought I would have to think about. And I can not honestly say how I will feel. I truly loved him at one point, and would love for him to be a part of his son's life. But not if it is going to cause any kind of drama. My children do not need drama. I honestly do not understand how the parents with shared custody handle it. I could not imagine spending any time away from my children and I guess this is what scares me the most. In the past year and a half I have spent very few nights away from my children. As a matter of fact I think that the only time that have been separated from Alex was the night that I spent in the hospital. How will I handle it if Ryan chooses to press for visitation and taking Alex over night?
The other thing that I fear is either of my children feeling like they are unloved. I was adopted when I was younger. Which means that raising me was a choice. Someone CHOSE to love me. And there was never a moment growing up where I ever doubted the love of my parents. Even when we did not always agree. How can I guarantee that my children will always feel the same way?
I guess this post is kind of a downer. Now the happiness that I usually try to project. I guess we can not all be happy all the time. But do not doubt that my happiness is here. Thinking of my father DOES make me happy. There are so many memories that I have that he and I shared together.
We used to camp a lot. And I remember waking up early with him and walking down to the blueberry patch to pick berries for pancakes. I remember the turkeys that he used to roast in a hole in the ground. I remember the way he used to laugh. And his smile. Is it too much to want my children to have memories like these?
No comments:
Post a Comment